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Toxic
January 31, 2009Over the last two years now, I have tried to make it a practice of mine to recognize toxic situations or toxic relationships that I am involved in and, more importantly, to get myself out of them as quickly and painlessly as possible. While the pain is not always avoidable and expediency may not always be an option, those are the goals I strive to attain.
Two years ago this April, I was rid of all the toxic friendships I’d been clinging to since earliest childhood. Granted, the choice to sever those relationships initially was not my own, but I quickly realized the favor that had been done for me in their abandonment.
Last spring, I made the decision to extricate myself from a toxic marriage. I had been battling insomnia, lack of appetite, and irritability all brought on by emotional issues that stemmed from the toxic relationship in which I was involved and, as such, did not have the energy to tackle the issue until summer. Since that time, I have felt unbelievably free and my aforementioned stress-related issues have waned–until now.
Over the last week or two, the insomnia I experienced last spring has been slowly returning, I’m not eating as frequently as usual, and have been a lot more irritable than normal (as though you hadn’t noticed). Yes, TuesdayPillow is right, I do take things too personally, but that’s just who I am and who I have always been. I’ve learned to remove myself from toxic situations and toxic relationships and this is one stressor that I don’t need fucking up my last semester of school.
When the original JS crashed, I seriously considered just not coming back, just disappearing into the ether and letting the crash be my excuse. However, I wound up curious about what everyone else was up to and resurrected my journal. Now something I used to love dearly rarely makes me anything but angry and frustrated and, as a result, I’m considering deleting both my page here and at Blogspot. I never, ever would have entertained the thought at the Old JS, but the crash and the subsequent reformatting has brought out some of the worst qualities in some of whom I considered to be the nicest people. I have enough stress and drama in my 3D life without letting petty online bullshit and egos add to it.
So, until I decide whether or not CaptainMando shall live on, it shall simply gather dust. I won’t be writing here for the foreseeable future (if ever) and will likely not be doing any reading, either (at least for awhile), as that is usually what sets my blood boiling in the first place.
Arrivederci, ya’ll. Be good.
read comments (9)
CaptainMando
February 1st, 2009 at 2:48 am
I will miss you for sure, but just want you to keep well and happy. God bless you Manda.
February 1st, 2009 at 5:07 am
Please do what you need to - for you. I wish you nothing but the best. maggs.
February 1st, 2009 at 6:27 am
February 1st, 2009 at 7:49 am
Sometimes it’s best to get and do other things for awhile. Maybe you’ll come back really refreshed and want to be here, maybe you won’t. Either way, summer is coming soon.
February 1st, 2009 at 8:52 am
Deleting is like suicide — pretty permanent.. Much better imo to just take a break and see how you feel down the road.
I think I can safely opine that NOBODY who was active in the old JS has been pleased by the developments of the last 45 days.
How we deal with it probably reflects what kind of people we are. I hope you stay.
February 1st, 2009 at 11:15 am
*big hugs Manda*
Even though I don’t know you that well, I would hate to see you go, but I really do understand your feelings.
I’ve been surprised at some of the reactions I’ve seen as well, and I’ve just had to shake my head and know that I’m not responsible for the action of others, but what I am responsible for is the way I choose to deal with those reactions, and in reality, what difference will it make in my life (or yours in t his case) to how another person reacts to something that is beyond all of our control? In my case, the answer has been none, so just let it go
I am a very emotional soul, and I often take things personally too, so I do understand that it is sometimes easier said than done, and also why I generally sit on things before I am reactive to them.
If this experience has become one that is toxic for you, I wouldn’t encourage you or anyone else to stick it out, but maybe it’s time for an evaluation of whether it is the experience, or the people, and put that ‘toxicity eliminator’ into action. It isn’t always easy, but sometimes necessary- after all YOU have to take care of YOU!!
*big hugs and much love*
February 4th, 2009 at 11:40 pm
That sucks. At least I can still keep in touch with you on Facebook. I haven’t been writing in my blog here either, but it’s not due to complaints about the site here, but rather my own lack of motivation. Anything I write in my blog here won’t be me bitching about the site here. In fact my life is in such a good place right now that bitching about anything at all seems unlikely… anything that is except the prospect of you leaving. I’d miss your blog entries. You’re a hell of a writer.
March 1st, 2009 at 4:32 pm
ahh. dont’ go. i admit the new js frustrates me and it’s hard to keep one here and at blogspot..
but i wish you wouldn’t go.
July 12th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
hello captain,
take a break if you must. but don’t abandon us as we await journalspace’s second coming. we’re not losing hope as yet.